It’s always been about the number....

It’s always been about the number....You can pretend it isn’t.  You can even tell your friends you don’t care about yours.  You can avoid talking about it....but it’s always about the number.
And you already know which number I mean....the number on your scale....your weight.  
The first thing they do when you’re born...they weigh you.  
Every time you visit the doctor....they weigh you.
You start a nutrition program....they weigh you. 
They tell you “it’s only a number” and “the number isn’t important”....but they still weigh you. 
They make charts and compare yours to other people’s and determine if you are a healthy weight, underweight, or overweight.
They tell you it’s only a number, but they write it down and it becomes your number. 
I don’t remember a time in my life when I was happy with my weight.  I always wanted to weigh less than I did.  Be skinnier.  Be more like that girl.  Be smaller.  
When I was at my heaviest, I avoided even thinking about my weight.  I snuck past my scale, I 
avoided the doctor’s office, I didn’t even think about going to a gym.
And then I started working with my nutrition/fitness coach and, of course, she weighed me, and 
she wrote it down, and she compared it to the charts, and she told me “it’s just a number”.....but 
that day, it became mine, my reality, my place on the chart....and I had to look at it and accept it.  
I hated it.
So, I made a goal.  I picked a new number, out of thin air, and I decided when I reached it, I  would be happy.  My life would be complete.  I would be defined by my number and my life  would have more meaning.  I never lost sight of it.  I put it in my brain and it became my focus; never far from my thoughts.  
For two and a half years I fought to get there, with sweat and tears, waiting and hoping....and
then it happened....I stood on my scale and there it was....my number.
I expected fireworks and trumpets and excitement to rain down on me.  I’d finally achieved my
goal.  My life would be perfect now....but there was nothing....I just stood there and stared at 
the number and it just sat there and stared back up at me, with absolutely no pomp or circumstance.  And I thought....”hmmmm, that wasn’t very exciting.  I don’t feel any different.  It didn’t change me or make me feel complete.  What now?  
I messaged my coach and shared my feelings.  Told her straight up....I don’t feel any different.  
Why don’t I feel any different?  This was my great achievement, this is what I worked so hard for,
my life is supposed to feel complete.....and that’s when I understood they were right....it is “just 
a number”.
I started thinking about my real goals.  I understood what I really want to achieve stretches far  beyond my weight.  I want to be healthy, fit, lean and most of all alive and vibrant.  None of  these things can be defined by my weight.  They are defined by my energy, my spirit and my  smile.
Do I still think about my number?  Damn straight I do, but in a different way.  Now I think about  how it doesn’t help me achieve my goals.  Maybe, just maybe, that number even needs to go up  as I build my lean muscle.  

Hmmmm, how will I toss that thought around in my brain?

- Sheila